It Happened

This is my hair.

That’s not my face but I am hoping you figured that out already.  I have a lot of hair.  One of my friends went so far as to call it a mane but I am not sure how I feel about that.  It’s always secretly been a fear of mine that I would get some type of animal in my hair and I wouldn’t know.  I guess technically having a fear of something that I would not be aware of while it was happening doesn’t make much sense but just the thought that whole families could be born in my hair while I remain completely ignorant just makes me twitchy.  In case you are wondering, this is (or was) a totally irrational fear because my hair is actually on my head and I touch it, wash it, put hats over it style it and I totally would know if there was something in my hair.  Totally.

In the event that this fear was ever to be realized, I made a list of animals that should they choose to set up camp in my mane, would make this predicament slightly more tolerable:

1) Squirrel.  They are cute, furry and would be so happy up there.  I would even hold their nuts for them.  That sounds weird…

2) Chipmunk.  They are cute, furry and take up less space than squirrels.  They store their nuts in their cheeks.

3) Red panda.  This might seem extreme because of their size but look at that face!

Image from reliveearth.com

Yesterday I went running through the trails near my house.  Ticks have been really bad this year so I doused myself in cancer causing chemicals and headed out for a quick 4.5 mile run.  As a side note I should also mention that I am terrified of running into a bear or poisonous snake on the trails.  While it’s a common trail running joke that we are constantly avoiding “root snakes” and “stump bears”, in this area it’s also common to see real bears and snakes and I haven’t quite gotten used to that yet!  This poor girl was running towards me and came around a corner and I shrieked at her, causing her to shriek and stop and stumble.  We both had a good laugh about this because she was wearing a bright orange shirt and clearly wasn’t a bear but for some reason she scared the crap out of me!  The was after the traumatic incident I will describe next so maybe I was a little on edge still.

So now I have set up the story and you are wondering what happened, right?  Was it, in fact, a squirrel?  No, in fact, it wasn’t a squirrel.  It wasn’t a squirrel at all.

I reached up to fix my hair and GRABBED A SPIDER.  Yes.  IGRABBEDAFUCKINGSPIDERINMYHAIR!!!  I know it was a spider because when I felt it squish I also felt the need to look at it before flinging it as hard as I could then slapping the shit out of myself to make sure there were no other spiders/ticks/squirrels/chipmunks that had taken root up there unbeknownst to me.

I should have known this was coming.  I KNOW the spiders have been stalking me ever since my husband and I shamelessly murdered all of those black widows in our yard (picture flashlights & spider spray).  Just a few days ago there was a large black spider living in between the screen and the glass in my window.  The window just so happens to be right next to my computer.  Now I know that spider was on a recon mission to track my habits and report back to his cohorts in the forest.  That spider in the woods knew I was going to be there and risked it’s little life in a futile attempt to kill me.  Sorry spider community!  I am stronger than you.  I am bigger than you.  I WILL SQUISH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.  Except wolf spiders.  I like those.

The good news is that I didn’t get any ticks!  The bad news is that I am never running in the woods again.  Or maybe just until tomorrow.