Let’s Get Physical: Mastering the Dip and Cross (a/k/a The Undie Saver)

Finally!  I have perfected something life changing and I am going to share it with YOU!  I call it the Dip and Cross (a/k/a The Undie Saver).

Let me explain.  Pregnancy and childbirth can be responsible for some major reconstruction of your body.  While I was lucky enough not to have stretch marks or gestational diabetes or any major health problems, my son had zero interest in actually exiting my body in an undramatic way.  Let’s just say he DID NOT want to come out and the results were not pretty.  At this point I am not sure which part is more traumatic, the delivery itself or the fact that all of you now know way too much about my nether regions.  Eh, whatever.  It was a party in the delivery room anyway so I consider it charted territory.  In any case, as traumatic as the delivery was, there is a silver lining!  I have a very special new talent that has evolved out of necessity.

I have become the master of the dip and cross!  Most of us who have had children know that sneezing after childbirth comes with a price.  After many failed attempts at preventing the problem, I finally mastered the art of crossing and/or squeezing without outwardly appearing like I am trying not to pee myself (at least that’s how I see it in my head).  The only problem with this is that often sneezes happen while we are mobile.  Not satisfied with the old, grab-crotch-then-sneeze method, I knew there had to be a better solution.  Finally, after much practice, I mastered the the dip and cross.  Let me teach you, step by step (keep in mind you have to think fast and move fast, otherwise all is lost):

Step 1: Feel the sneeze coming.

Step 2: Casually step your front foot to the opposite side, like you are doing the grapevine aerobics move.  Or maybe stepping over a piece of gum, your choice.

image from ehow.com She looks so peaceful but we know what she is really doing.

DO NOT LOOK AROUND.  This will alert other people that you are having an unusual situation.  Focus on your shopping cart, phone, kid or squirrel.

Step 3: As the sneeze is happening, quickly bend your knees to ensure a tight seal.  This step is key.  If you don’t dip and cross at exactly the right angles, there is room for…error.

Step 4: Sneeze.

Step 5: Pop back up and keep on walking like nothing happened.

Step 6: Be thankful that you don’t have to run home and change your pants.

This takes a bit of time and practice and you may need to carry some spare panties with you but I assure you, you can DO THIS!  Once you master this move it can be pulled off effortlessly, like tree pose in yoga.  It’s simple, yet beautiful.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Next challenge is figuring out how to run without my boobs doing this:

Any suggestions?